Searching for clarity . .
Updated: Sep 7, 2019
I’m not sure what actually happened earlier this year, some might call it a mid-life crisis or a mental breakdown. I like to call it a mental breakthrough or a very clear moment of clarity. All I know is I was on a business trip missing a work dinner because I was laying on the bathroom floor vomiting not from a stomach bug or something that I ate, but from an overwhelming feeling of stress. An all consuming stress that I could no longer control. I laid there praying, getting sick over and over again, begging to have the strength to get through the next two full days of meetings.
The next morning, looking so pretty after blowing out all the blood vessels in my left cheek and down my neck and also my left eye from getting sick, co-workers would approach me and say “are you ok?” Oh YES! I am fine. I am mean seriously – do I look fine? But as in life, we do what we do in these type of situations – we tell people what they want to hear, right?
So what has happened to bring me to this place where I am now? I've been having these episodes of getting "sick" for over four years.. I've been to numerous doctors and have done every test imaginable, all for them to come back saying that everything is normal. But this is not normal. I usually get the lecture that I need to have less stress - meditate, do yoga or the one that I get the most is find a job that is less stressful. Ok, like that won't stress me out even more, not having a paycheck and not being able to pay the bills. Looking for a new job is VERY stressful in itself.
But I do know that something has gotta give and I need to make myself and my health a priority, I can't keep this up and these episodes are happening more and more. The worst is that my daughter is aware of it now and is always asking me "mommy, does your tummy hurt again?" So I am now I am on a journey back to self – to find my authentic self, whatever that means. All I know is that something either broke in me that night or woke me up, but whatever it was, it was the universe's way of saying – "Girl what you are doing isn’t working anymore and isn’t fooling anyone".
Now of course, I didn’t get to this point or realization the next day, it’s taken me months to get to this point of clarity or maybe it's brokenness or a little bit of both. All I know is that I need a change, a major one and in a big way. People will give you all kinds of free advice when you talk about needing a change – you should try meditating, work out more, drink less, drink more! pray, take supplements, try CBD and the one I love the most is try not to be so stressed out – just be less stressed! WTF!!! Ok, as if it’s that easy, as if any of those things listed is easy, well some are :) As I sit here and write this, my dog is flat out on her back with her paws up in the air sound asleep – I need that kind of non-stress in my life, is that even possible? Is it possible to not be stressed when you are mother to an 8 year old daughter, a wife, and work full time and also want to be a good friend to your friends? Isn't everyone stressed too? I only have one kid and I am falling apart, I can't imagine having more! Or is this just the deal, you get older and you get wiser and you fall apart? I’m not sure but I'd like more clarity – let the journey begin.