The Quiet Space of My Heart
I've been quiet lately. That's probably not the smartest thing to do when you have a blog! Yes I've posted some on social but overall it's been pretty quiet here and I'm not sure why. You would think I would have a lot to say and share with taking a month off of work and then starting a new job but instead of that making for a lot of fodder to share, it's made me go inward and just well...quiet. Even my husband has noticed my quiet-ness lately, I'm just not up for conversation, I just want to be.......Some might question if I am depressed and I don't think I am, I've just been going through a lot emotionally for a year and I am just questioning things - everything honestly! But at the heart of it all is the question - what do I want to do when I grow up? Or one line that I love - is this as good as it gets? Love that movie! Anyway, I've got a lot of feelings and thoughts swirling around in my head, they just haven't come out in the form of a blog post. So instead of a post, I'll share something that I do. I try (I'm not always good at it) but I try to write my daughter a letter every month. I tell her what's going on with me, what's on my mind, my struggles or frustrations, my favorite song, you name it, I just talk to her. When I had her almost 9 years ago, I wanted to give her something of meaning and I couldn't find the perfect gift. And then I thought about what I would want and I thought giving her my thoughts as a women. I thought she should hear about me at age 36 struggling with getting pregnant and going through IVF, dealing with postpartum depression at the age of 39, losing our house in the downturn of the economy, moving, broken dreams, holidays with the family, relationships in our family - just all the things that I've felt at certain times in my life would be a gift that I could give her. I put it all in there for her to read one day - my fears and anxiety, my sadness, my anger, my frustration, I tell her what's going on. Of course none of it is directed to her. I like to tell her funny things that she says or does. I guess this idea started because I always wonder what was my mom like in her 30's, 40's and 50's - what was she feeling in her marriage and throughout her life. She lost her mom at such a young age in her 20's. How did she cope with feeling that loss? I usually write these letters on a plane because typically I travel once a month. I'm also super morbid and think that if something happens to me, as least she has a record of me and my feelings for her! So here is my March letter to Sophie.
Dear Sophie girl,
I am about to get on a plane to go to London. I'm a little anxious about it because right now in our world, all the talk in the news is about the coronavirus (covid-19). Even you know all about the virus as you were telling me about it and learning about it at school. It's a super weird feeling because today the sun came out after four days of rain, so while I am out walking Georgia around the block, loving feeling the sun on me, our world right now is talking all things coronavirus and it's pretty scary. I'm not really scared about us getting the virus, it's more the feeling of what could come - if I got stuck in London for some reason or was quarantined! And honestly getting on a plane right now grosses me out. Ok let's be real, planes always gross me out. I've always been one to bring wipes and wipe everything down already, but I feel like that's not even enough. It's uncertainty. I'm not good with uncertainty and germs!
So anyway, back to you. You've been sick more this year than you have been in awhile. The pediatrician says it's because you are at a new school and surrounded by new germs. Hmmm, ok. I guess I will accept that. Typically I semi-quarantine you to your playroom when you are sick. You are almost 9, it's not that hard. You just watch TV all day. The last time you were sick, you said "can I please come out, my SOUL is the only thing alive in there". I knew then that you were starting to feel better ;). And I let you out - ha! No idea where you come up with this stuff. But overall, March has been an adjustment for all of us because I started a new job. The good news is I get to work from home, so I can pick you up earlier, the bad news is I will have to travel more for awhile until I can get my arms around the job and meet everyone that I work with, -- well that's if the coronavirus doesn't shut down my travel for awhile! I know it was hard when I went to San Francisco the other week because instead of being gone for two nights, I was gone for a week. I'm sorry about that. I don't like to be away from you and daddy that long. I am a home body and home is always where I want to be.
I know lately you have been having some anxiety. Waking up with stomach aches and always worried you are going to get sick at school. I am sure you have inherited my anxiety and I am so sorry. I wish I could make it go away for you. You and I talk about breathing through it and taking deep breaths. But I see it on your face most mornings and of course it's only during the week. You and I BOTH share the secret where we feel fine on the weekends....shocker! You've been questioning your worth lately - asking why someone doesn't like you? Or why someone doesn't want you to be part of their day? And all I can tell you is - honey it's not you! You are amazing and sweet and kind. The world is full of people that make their minds up about you before they even know you unfortunately. The world is going to disappoint you and hurt your feelings. What's important is who you are as a person and how you treat other people. It's like you and I talked about - we do not treat people unkindly no matter what, we will choose to have a generous spirit even if we don't want too and we will accept people's choices even if it hurts our feelings and we don't agree with them. That is who we are as a family. So I know you are hurt right now and I know people aren't including you at school and I get it - IT SUCKS! Girls can suck. I had some major girl drama at school and I can sooooo feel your pain. I can! I truly hurt with you. I remember in 7th grade, I was new to a school and these girls made up a rumor that I was a lesbian. I didn't even know what a lesbian was but everyone hated me and called me names. It was awful. Then then called and invited me to a fall festival and I was so excited because I thought - FINALLY, they want to be my friend. But it was all just to hurt me and they never came to pick me up and I cried in my room all night. I wouldn't even let Nana in, I locked my door and yelled at her about how much I hated where we were living!! So as your mom, I get it. And my first instinct is to show up there and let those girls have it. But as a reasonable human being that doesn't want to be thrown in jail, I just have to make the right decision and choose KINDNESS -- even if my internal voice is saying all kinds of other things. How you treat people matters. How you show up in their life matters. The choices you make matter. Being the better person matters. Loving one another no matter what matters. Doing the right thing when everyone is against you takes COURAGE but it matters. All I can say is don't ever sacrifice your soul and your heart to please someone else, because in the end, only you will get hurt. I'd love to tell you that 3rd grade and school is only going to get better and girls will become nicer but honestly I can't. I truly wish that for you - I so do. But if school is anything like when I went through it a million years ago, it's only going to get harder. But I will be there with you through it all. I will hurt with you and cry with you and I will cheer for you. I will love you through it.
I love you so much, Sophie Bear. I am on your side. Always. And while I might not always agree with you or the choices you make, I will love you always first and from there we will figure the rest out. You will come to learn that choices have consequences and regret is the worst. I can't protect you from it but I can talk you through it. In the end, you will still be responsible for what you do. I just hope you can learn from me and some of the mistakes I have made. But you will also have to learn by making some mistakes on your own.
Hang in there, sweet girl. It's only a few more months until summer break. We got this - you will get through this, I will get through my new job and we will learn from it one way or another. And we have this month to celebrate. It's daddy's birthday, your birthday and my birthday. I'll tell you all about what we did for our special days next month and share photos!
I love you madly,